I Choose Joy

I am so excited!  Three years ago I discovered quite accidentally that Kyle could swim (on his back).  The sheer joy on his face and the amazing freedom he experiences in the pool (in addition to the obvious health benefits) motivated me to seek regular swimming opportunities for him.  In the back of my mind I always hoped for daily swimming but that was virtually impossible.  But each year his swimming opportunities have increased and starting THIS school year – Kyle will be in the pool FIVE DAYS PER WEEK!

I discovered, the hard way of course because that’s how I learn best, that blueberries are actually cheaper at the grocery store in our town than at the local pick-your-own berry field.  I would have thought bringing the children along and telling them “You can eat AS MANY AS YOU WANT while you pick” would have given me more bang for my buck.  But no.  Can you believe it? My kids WOULD NOT eat any until they had been paid for.  I mean really!  I’ll never go back there again!  I have been making yummy blueberry coffee cake, using this recipe from my mom’s friend:

Blueberry Coffee Cake

grease and flour 9×9 pan

heat oven to 375

2 c. flour

2 tsp. baking powder

1/2 tsp. salt

1/4 c. butter

3/4 c. sugar

1 egg

1/2 c. milk

2 c. blueberries

Sift dry ingredients. Cream butter & sugar & beat in egg.  Add flour mixture & milk bit by bit.  Fold in blueberries.  Sprinkle with topping.                        Bake at 375 for 45 minutes.

Topping:

1/2 c. brown sugar

3T flour

2 tsp. cinnamon

3T butter

1/2 c. chopped pecans

ENJOY!

My kids are affectionate – verbally and physically.  10 year old Caleb isn’t hesitant to kiss me on the cheek in public or throw me the “I love you” hand sign as he jumps out of the van to attend an activity.  Walking down the street he frequently puts his arm around my shoulder.  7 year old Isaac still likes to snuggle up for long periods of time and ends every day saying, “Mama, you make my heart sing a happy song!”  Savannah, 3 years, has obviously picked up her own version of lovin’ on her mama.  Each morning she throws her little arms around my neck and says, “I  wuuuuuuv bein’ yo’ mama.”  (A copycat from what she hears from me at night – I just LOVE being your mama!)

I’ve been reading Nurturing Adoptions by Deborah Gray.  In the book, with regard to the addition of a child into ones family through adoption, MaryAnn Curran, social worker and director of social services at WACAP says,  “Real flexibility means having enough humility and acceptance of a lack of control to change the very definition of your family to fit this new child.”   She goes on to describe how that might look.  REDEFINING is the key word!  She then says, “In my experience, families either get it or they don’t.  And usually it’s hard to tell until the child’s difficulties become very great.  At that point, families either start talking about themselves…how difficult it is…OR how badly they feel about the child’s troubles.  It seems to be just a matter of unconditional love.”  I really resonated with this quote.  It’s actually a lengthy couple of pages but I just highlighted a few statements.  I have so many friends and acquaintances who are FRUSTRATED with their child’s behavior.  Sadly, some people (none of my friends!) are so frustrated they choose to dissolve the adoption.  Even more common perhaps than frustrated parents are the frustrated children – being raised in environments where they are not loved and accepted.  LOVE doesn’t demand an appropriate response.  LOVE doesn’t need reciprocation.  LOVE is a gift – one every child deserves.  It’s in our power to choose to give it.  It has nothing to do with the child!

I studied cross-cultural communication in college.  My husband studied communications/broadcasting.  Maybe it’s our education that gives us a good basis of communication with each other.  Sometimes I think it’s common sense.  Other times I think it’s following a biblical model for living.  I really don’t know.  But my husband and I always agree that when we find someone can’t understand what we’re saying, it isn’t the “fault” of the hearer.  We always seek to adjust our means of communicating to enable them to hear what we’re saying.  In education we feel the same way.  If a student isn’t learning the material, it isn’t the “fault” of the student.  Where there is little success then the methodology must change. What about in parenting?  If a child isn’t acting in accordance with the accepted societal norms, whose “fault” is that?  It seems to me, children are labeled and medicated in an effort to coerce them into our preferred style of communication, education and parenting.  What if society adjusted their definitions and expectations of family?  What if families broadened their acceptance and tolerance levels?  What if people who called themselves Christians loved others (including their children) the way God loves them?   Maybe then we could stop blaming and being blamed.  Maybe then we could live in a beautiful place of unconditional love and acceptance – a place where communication and learning and healing happen.  It’s such a place my husband and I seek to create through our home.  It’s not without its challenges and has its fair share of setbacks.  And we FAIL – A LOT!  But we don’t play the blame game!

I wonder what you are doing today?  Me, I’m slurping!  No, I haven’t forgotten the impeccable manners of my upbringing.  This has nothing to do with how I drink a beverage.  It’s the term used by a book making company for converting my blog into a bound book.  It’s so cool and it’s so easy!  Literally, with only a few clicks of the mouse, one year’s worth of blogging was transferred into a book.  There’s lots of editing to be done.  But even that is so easy with this (free) program.

I can’t believe it’s been a year since I started this blog!  I’m not sure I’ll continue blogging.  The benefits are that it is really the only way that I journal.  Somehow I’ve never been able to keep a written journal.  It keeps family and friends who live far away up to date with photos of the children.  It’s a quick and easy way to answer questions I’m asked repeatedly.  Lots of benefits.  There are downsides too.  I’m afraid of sounding like my way of doing things is the way other people should be living.  I’m afraid of boasting of our successes so I don’t post about most of them, which leaves major holes in our family history then, if that is what this blog is becoming.  We have an almost constant stream of neighbors in our yard, with lots of funny stories to share, but I’m concerned about their privacy so I don’t post any of those daily experiences.  One benefit of blogging is it can be like a conversation, but only if people comment and I wonder why most people don’t.

Well, I best get back to slurping…

We all process information through our senses.  Some of us do this more efficiently than others.  It’s not always obvious to parents when there is deficiency in a child’s ability to process information as it is often misinterpreted as “behavior” (or in my case growing up – as being clumsy – so clumsy I would require several surgeries – most parents DO clue in before surgeries are required however!)  While only one of my children has been officially diagnosed with full blown “Sensory Processing Disorder,” another has “Auditory Processing Disorder” and all of them have diagnoses with “processing issues” included in the symptoms.  Three of my children are sensory seeking and one is sensory defensive.  There are LOTS of therapeutic ways to deal with these issues and we have an occupational therapist come to our home who gives us lots of great tips.  Reading The Out of Sync Child and The Out of Sync Child Has Fun were helpful as an introduction to these challenges.  My own struggles have given me lots of empathy for my children in this area and I always assume there is a reason for their behavior – not that they are trying to annoy me!  As I seek to help my children grow and adapt to a world that is increasingly sensory overloaded, I prefer fun, real-life, therapeutic activities (versus traditional “lets work on this issue” therapy).  I’m not trying to fix my children because they’re not broken.  I want to give them skills for maneuvering through an overstimulating world.  For example, we never go anywhere without gum!  There is a lengthy physiological explanation for how this calms, but let’s just say, it really works!  In our (home school) classroom, chewing gum is not only permitted, it’s encouraged!  When it was time to empty Kyle’s sensory exploration table of its rice, pouring it onto the trampoline provided a rich sensory experience for those kids who seek extra stimulation.  For said child who is sensory defensive, meticulously picking up rice ONE GRAIN AT A TIME was the activity of choice but she only tolerated it on her feet momentarily.

At Pebble Beach, our sons who enjoy and seek out the stimulation of being weighted down, LOVED being completely buried in pebbles (even heavier than sand!), while little miss let us know immediately she wanted nothing to do with this activity!

No matter if our children process things differently, it’s okay.  There’s nothing “wrong” with how they’re made.  There are just different coping skills that benefit them!  “Fearfully and wonderfully made” is how the Psalmist described ALL of us!

It’s that time of year again.  The carefree, lazy days of summer leave me suntanned and happy, yet feeling a need to get control of my life.  So I do it the only way I know how – declutter!  I guess I can’t control the people in my life nor the circumstances that seem to heap on me each summer so I seek control in organizing and throwing away stuff.  I feel pounds lighter!  Seriously!  Speaking of which, I sent bags to the Sally Ann of clothes I have long “outgrown.”  They brought back memories, as they had fit me in college and most of my married life (18 years).  Obviously, I’m not much of a fashion queen, when the only reason I get rid of something is because it doesn’t fit.  But I was thinking how cute some of those clothes were, in the size sense.  I can’t believe most of my life I was so trim.  Well, I’m not anymore, which isn’t the point.  I don’t stress about my weight, I just buy bigger clothes.  But what’s sad is that I never enjoyed being thin.  I always thought I wasn’t thin enough.  Hmm…there’s a lesson in there somewhere!  (And no, it’s not to lose weight!).